Entry 25.26

Well it’s time to write again, and again, I find myself in an airport. This time headed to Kansas City for Shelby’s cousin’s wedding. We have so many trips this summer that it is almost exhausting. There are times when I ask myself “Why are you doing this to yourself?” Not the trips, the constant on the move, doing something, usually work related. I field phone calls and text messages all day long. Sometimes up until the moment I crawl into bed. Any that come in after I put my phone on silent get responses in the morning. Sometimes it’s first thing. Like 0510 first thing. For the luck ones I wait until after I workout. And all those messages and texts aren’t the only thing I’m doing. I have my full-time job at Methodist, my part-time teaching job, and for lack of a better term, my volunteer job as the Head Professional for PGA HOPE graduates and current enrollees. I don’t know why, but it dawned on me that is what I am. I’m not just a PGA HOPE co-lead. I’m the head professional. Just about everything I do for the PGM program, I do for PGA HOPE. I’m not complaining, please don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love what I do. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be doing it. But sometimes I just want to sit on the couch, shut off my phone and take a nap. And that’s a very rare feeling for me. Shelby will tell you. She can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve taken a nap in the last five years. Right now, this is one of those moments. I thought about waiting to write this entry, but upon reflection, this is why I started writing these in the first place. To get my thoughts out of my head. And I want all of you to see the real me. Not the one that I tend to present in person. There is something terrifying to me about dropping my guard and letting people in. But if I always keep up a wall, then how am I supposed to reach people? I wouldn’t be able to. And reaching people is so important to me. I don’t just want to help you work on your swing. I don’t just want to work with you on how to play the game better. I want to help you make your life better. That’s what really matters to me. Golf is just the vehicle that I use. That being said, I’m looking forward to getting a day to just shut out the world. I don’t see one of those days happening in the near future. This wedding, then Shelby is getting promoted to Sergeant First Class (woot woot!!! WAY TO GO BABE!!!) this week so her parents are coming out, my brother just picked up golf, so I invited him up for the Independence Day weekend to just work on his game, then we have Summer Experience the following week and then off to that same brother’s wedding. So, it’s going to be a while. I’m not complaining, I’m explaining. If someday you send me a message and don’t get a response in a reasonable amount of time (less than 24 hours), then I’ve probably powered down for a day. If you don’t get a response in 24-48, send help. Something is probably seriously wrong.

This past week we had Advanced Camp for some of our incoming freshman (or first years, not really sure why the terminology has changed in the past couple of years and that is probably because I keep my head buried in the sand. Well buried in books is probably more accurate). It was HOT! I looked at the temperature for each day of the week and they all started with a 9 with heat indexes that were triple digits, so I stopped caring. I mean why care? There’s absolutely zero you can do about the weather. Just meant I needed to hydrate because I knew I was still going to be outside either way. Well, the final afternoon of camp was roasting so after playing in the morning, camp leadership decided to stay inside for a bit. Perfect! While they had a seminar with Coach, I got out and started to pick the range to get ahead because we were supposed to head to a Woodpecker game that evening. Thankfully Chis jumped in, and we got it done just in time for weather to roll in. Lightning. I don’t care about weather. Hot? Cool. Cold? Cool. Freezing? Where’s my bathing suit? But lightning? I don’t mess with lightning. One too many close encounters. My Ranger School class dealt with lightning almost the entire time. There wasn’t a phase that I didn’t wake up and have a puddle in the bottom of my bivvy sack it would storm so hard. In Darby phase, we watched a bolt of lightning hit a tree about a hundred meters away. We were told that the class after ours were sitting in the same spot as us and when the lightning struck, they all ended up in the hospital. The entire platoon, RI’s (Ranger Instructors) and all. So, yeah. Lightning is a no go for me. In all fairness, that could’ve been fabricated by the RI’s to get us to fall in line. I have never verified that story. It doesn’t matter. The lesson has stuck. Don’t mess with lightning. Your chances of being able to tap into the Speed Force and become the fastest man alive are slim to none. And slim left the building. And that ladies and gentlemen is how to ramble to get to your point. Here we go.

After I finished washing the golf balls, I headed up to my office and got a few Head Professional things done. Then down to the classroom where Kelsie was getting ready to give an impromptu discussion. Since I wasn’t going to be able to do the swing evaluations I had been scheduled for as it started absolutely pouring, I decided to sit in and see if there was anything I could offer or even learn myself. She had the kids do an exercise. I want you to do the same exercise. Go grab a piece of paper. At the top, write out your core values. A quick Google search returned the following definition: “The fundamental beliefs and guiding principles that dictate behavior and shape the identity of an individual or an organization.” My definition of core values is “what are your non-negotiables?” What must you do, no matter what? These are probably long term to life principles that you never change, although they can change. We all have some core values even if you don’t know it. Then once you have your core values down, write a paragraph and tell me who you are. This is the harder part of the two if you ask me. Because most people don’t look at the very fiber of their being to know who they are. What they are. It’s not easy but once you figure it out, life makes sense. Your decisions and actions make sense. Honestly, these kids are way too young and lacking on any type of life experience to really know themselves. The typical answer that we got was “My name is… I’m from …. I want to be a golf professional because ….” Guess what every one of those things is. Changeable. You can change your name. You will probably live somewhere else during your lifetime. And I hate to say it, but half these kids will finish the program, get elected to PGA membership, and then do something else entirely. And that is ok. It should be expected. We don’t live in the era where you get your first job and that job becomes your career until you retire. We live in an era where you might have 7 jobs between graduating college and the time you turn thirty. And that is ok. I’m on my third career. But who I am is evident in all of them. To me at least. Although there might be some debate about my current career. But you believe what you want. Hopefully you stopped reading at some point and did the exercise. Core values and write out who you are. Got it? Ok, let’s keep going then.

So, what are your core values? My core values are fairly simple: integrity, loyalty, respect, service, and courage. Now the hard part. Answering the question of who you are. It took me some time, experience, pain and joy to figure this one out. I’d wager that most people may never know who they really are. Some people just never think about it. Others will never put themselves in a position to learn who they are. But for those who do know, it is liberating. Once I figured it out, it made life so much easier. I understood why I make certain decisions. Why sometimes I act impulsively. Why I don’t have issues with confrontation. Why other people may believe me to be harsh, cold and unbending. I used to be worried about what people thought about me. Like cared way too much. So, I tried being who they wanted me to be. And I hated every second of it. Hated myself. I just couldn’t do it. I’m not the soft, put my arms around you, pep talk kind of guy. Don’t get me wrong. I can do it. But I do it through my lens, not the lens that is pushed hard these days by the media, psychologists, social workers etc. I’m not a happy go lucky, life is sunshine and rainbows, and I ride a unicorn to work kind of guy. I know, over exaggeration that is probably offensive to someone. So, I apologize for how I presented who I’m not, but I will not apologize for who I am.

At the end of the day, if you boil down Tim Carlson into one thing, this is what you will find. This the paragraph that you would read. “I am a protector.” That’s it. That is who I am. I don’t think I was born a protector. I was molded into one. Growing up I was taught certain values. I was encouraged to stand up for what was right and take care of others. When it was time for me to choose a career after high school, I ultimately chose Criminal Justice. But I don’t think it was until I had finished Academy and was out on the road that I truly synced up with who I am at my core. Little by little, the decisions I made and the statements I gave were about one thing. Protecting someone. That ticket that I gave you? I didn’t do it to punish you. Arresting you for driving under the influence? I did it to protect someone, even if that someone was yourself. And little by little, I began to get a reputation. I was a “hard ass”. A stickler. Unable and unwilling to be a little flexible. I think I still have that reputation today. Especially with my PGM students. Actually, I can probably say that I definitely do. And really there is probably nothing that I can say to change that viewpoint. I’d probably have to stop being who I am. Which I won’t do. Why do I love my job as a Head Professional at Methodist? I get to help shape the lives of young people who are going to face opportunities to make poor decisions every day. I want to stop them from making the same mistakes that I made. I want to protect them from the pain and hurt that those mistakes can bring. I want them to grow into PGA Professionals who are nothing but successful. Why do I teach? I love it. Duh. But I teach because I want you to play great golf. I want you to have fun. I don’t want you to stamp off the course after six holes because you are playing that bad. I don’t want others to label you as someone you really aren’t. Playing poorly doesn’t make you a bad person although it surely can make us think so. I don’t want you to experience the lows that playing poorly can bring. Yes, golf can be that damaging to psyche, even if it is just your hobby. Why do I do PGA HOPE? I want all veterans and active-duty military to experience what golf has given to me. I don’t want them to become a statistic. I hate seeing those statistics. Because we have changed a person’s life into a number. I truly believe that golf saved my life. Well, golf and Covid. I don’t think it was a coincidence. Call it God. Call it fate. Call it whatever you want. Those two things happened at a time in my life that I needed it to. I don’t want any other veterans to be without HOPE.

The theme I see in each of those explanations is: I want to protect you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually and any other words that end in “-ly” that apply. I want to stand between you and any hurt and pain coming your way and take the brunt of it so that you don’t have to. That is the lens that I look at life through. My entire adult life has been to protect people. From being a State Trooper, to my time in Regiment, to being a PGA Professional. That it why I do the things that I do. It’s why I may come off harsh when you decide to walk in front the the red flag on the Teaching Center instead of “all the way around” the building. Sorry asking you to walk an extra 20 steps so there is no chance you get smoked with a golf ball. There’s a reason I’m a stickler about it. I give lessons out of my bay every day but Sundays. I have watched golf balls go in directions you could never imagine were possible, including back into the bay. Seems like a stupid rule, but it’s there for a reason. I stick to it for a reason. I don’t want you to get hurt. I want to protect you. It’s also the reason that I am willing to listen when you are struggling mentally or emotionally. I want to take that away from you. Figure out what to do to stop it from affecting you so much. Why I respond to text messages about issues with your game with explanations, pictures and even videos shot in my garage while I’m in my dad shorts. I don’t want you to struggle. I want you to play the best golf you possibly can. As stupid as it sounds, I want to protect you from bad golf. When the back door to the mini-bus opened on I-40 on our way to RDU to fly to Ireland in 2024, there was no question in my mind who was going to be playing “Frogger” to collect the luggage that came out the back and scattered across the intestate. I wasn’t going to let anyone else get put in harm’s way. It had to be me. It’s who I am. I can’t be anyone else, so I might as well embrace it. If you haven’t done the exercise that Kelsie gave, go ahead and do it. It’s a wonderful exercise. Once you complete it, hold onto it. Come back to it every so often and make sure you are being true to yourself. Hold yourself accountable to your own beliefs. Life is so much better when you are who you are meant to be and not what everyone else wants you to be. Just be you. Not their version of you. The real you.